269 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
269 lines
10 KiB
Plaintext
==Diet Phrack==
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Volume Three, Issue Thirty-Six, File 9 of 11
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/---------------------------------------------------------------------------\
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| THE MEN FROM |
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| M M OOOOO N N GGGGG OOOOO |
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| MM MM O O NN N G O O |
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| M M M O O N N N G GG O O |
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| M M O O N NN G G O O |
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| M M OOOOO N N GGGGG OOOOO |
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| -*- present -*- |
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| +-----------------+ |
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| | Real Cyberpunks | |
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| +-----------------+ |
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| 9/24/91 |
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| With all this shit in the news and now a book about cyberpunks, we have|
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|a bunch of lame assholes who think they are cyberpunks running around |
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|blackening the name. In response to this we'd created this g-file so |
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|everybody can tell the lamers from the real cyberpunks. Most of these |
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|wanna-be cyberpunks will probably be offended by what we're going to say, |
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|because the description of what defines a real cyberpunk doesn't apply to |
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|them. Remember though, cyberpunk is mostly an attitude (this g-file |
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|describes physical manifestations of this attitude), and real cyberpunks |
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|don't get upset over something written in a g-file. |
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\---------------------------------------------------------------------------/
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CLOTHING
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- Real cyberpunks don't wear paisley, or any of that other neo-
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futuristic, yuppie, artfag shit.
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- Real cyberpunks wear military surplus clothing, non-neon colored
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Gortex, bluejeans, boots (combat or motorycle), Factsheet-5 T-Shirts,
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and kilts (on formal occasions).
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- Real cyberpunks don't shop at Banana Republic or the "Mainframe"
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clothing section at Sears.
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- Real cyberpunks have the balls to go to Thrift Shops.
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Corollary to the above: Anyone who makes fun of a cyberpunk shopping at
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a thrift shop usually winds up in ICU.
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COMPUTERS
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- Real cyberpunks don't use IBM PCs or Tandy 1000s.
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- Real cyberpunks that have the $$$ use 486s, and 68030s.
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- Real cyberpunks that don't have the $$$ use whatever the hell they can
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get ahold of (except IBM PCs an Tandy 1000s).
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- All real Cyberpunks still own a TI-99/4A, S-100, Apple ][ w/Apple Cat,
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or an Atari 130XE with ATR8000 & 850 interfaces as their backup
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machine.
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- Real cyberpunks program in assembler and ADA.
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- Real cyberpunks think C is cute for a fuck-around language.
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- Real cyberpunks think of the Amiga as a cute toy.
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- Real cyberpunk SYSOPS run Stonehenge.
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- Real cyberpunks realize the Apple Cat was the best modem ever made.
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CARS
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- Real cyberpunks drive whatever they can afford.
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- Real cyberpunks never drive an unmodified vehicle.
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- Real cyberpunks think Audi, BMW, and Mercedes cars serve best as rocket
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launcher targets.
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- Real cyberpunks who can afford them drive something with a V-8.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks go to every police auction
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in their area.
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TECH
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- All real cyberpunks have their ham license.
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- Real cyberpunks know the difference between a resistor and a capacitor.
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- Real cyberpunks know where to get tech cheap in their area.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks practically live at their local
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surplus store.
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- Real cyberpunks think Radio Shack sucks, but still buy from there
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because it's convenient.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks put pragmatism before
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principle.
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- Real cyberpunks always carry a Leatherman Tool.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a Leatherman Tool is.
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- Real cyberpunks own a dual-band HT.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a dual-band HT is.
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Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks have hosed McDonalds at
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least once.
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- Real cyberpunks know how use a TDR.
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Corollary to the above: The have also managed to get ahold of one for
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free.
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POLITICS & LAW
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- Real cyberpunks are politically aware, but avoid getting involved in
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that bullshit.
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- Real cyberpunks think all politicians should be castrated.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks are libertarians.
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- Real cyberpunks have copies of their state's law statues.
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- Real cyberpunks know the difference between the Declaration of
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Independence and The Constitution.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what both of those say.
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- Real cyberpunks don't get caught.
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KNOWLEDGE
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- Real cyberpunks read 2600, Factsheet-5, Full Disclosure, Iron Feather
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Journal, Cybertek, Radio Electronics, Circuit Cellar Ink, Computer
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Shopper, American Survival Guide, and any 'zines about local bands in
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their area.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks understand what they read in
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these publications.
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- Real cyberpunks think Mondo2000, for the most part, sucks.
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- Real cyberpunks learn about everything from Computers to Crossbows.
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- Real cyberpunks know how to spell.
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- Real cyberpunks speak at least 2 languages.
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WEAPONS
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- Real cyberpunks don't have the typical yuppie artfag fear of weapons
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that most modem users seem to have.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know the value of useful
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equipment.
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- Real cyberpunks own at least one gun.
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- Real cyberpunks carry Gerber, Cold Steel, SOG, AlMar, or Spyderco
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blades.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think custom steel is neat, but
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costs too much.
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- Real cyberpunks have memorized The Improvised Munitions Black Book.
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- Real cyberpunks know The Anarchist Cookbook is a crock of shit.
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- Real cyberpunks buy everything authored by Seymour Lecker and Kurt
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Saxon.
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- Real cyberpunks keep a supply of DMSO handy.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what DMSO is.
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MUSIC
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- Real cyberpunks go to The Mentors' concerts whenever they can.
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- Real cyberpunks think C&C Music Factory is just a bunch of out-of-the-
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closet homosexuals.
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- Real cyberpunks don't listen to Paula Abdul.
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- Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson should be napalmed.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Michael Jackson is a
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reincarnate of his monkey Bubbles.
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- Real cyberpunks think Top-40 sucks.
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- Real cyberpunks listen to Ministry, The Cure, Skinny Puppy, The
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Misfits, Rush, Pink Floyd, etc.
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- In the end, real cyberpunks listen to whatever the fuck they want.
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PHREAKING & HACKING
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- Real cyberpunks think codes are for fags, but use them anyway because
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they put pragmatism before principle.
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- Real cyberpunks know what TEMPEST means.
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- Real cyberpunks use data-taps.
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- Real cyberpunks have Internet access.
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- Real cyberpunks know why Broadway Hacker invited everyone to his house.
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- Real cyberpunks know what PPS really means.
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- Real cyberpunks know Clifford Stoll's ex-wife is a lesbian.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know that Clifford Stoll is an
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asshole.
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- Real cyberpunks know just how good friends John Maxfield and Broadway
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Hacker are.
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- Real cyberpunks know who John Maxfield is and what he was arrested for.
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- Real cyberpunks own a blue box, and still use it.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what a blue box is, and
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know how to use it.
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- Real cyberpunks know what a TS-21 is.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks stole their TS-21.
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- Real cyberpunks have acquired a Bell System hard-hat.
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- Real cyberpunks have a payphone.
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Corollary to the above: The payphone belongs to someone else.
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- Real cyberpunks on the east coast have attended at least one 2600
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meeting.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks who have attended a 2600
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meeting don't go to them anymore.
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Corollary to the corollary: Real cyberpunks are waiting for another
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OSUNY meeting.
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Further corollary: Real cyberpunks know what OSUNY originally stood
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for.
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HEALTH
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- Real cyberpunks use Choline, Ginseng, and Golden Seal.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks know what these are.
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- Real cyberpunks know about the medicinal value of various plants.
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- Real cyberpunks take care of themselves.
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- Real cyberpunks take time away from fucking with their computers to get
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some exercise.
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FOOD & DRINK
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- Real cyberpunks drink Jolt.
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Corollary to the above: Real cyberpunks think Pepsi is for artfags.
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- Real cyberpunks are intimately familiar with the selection at 7 -
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Eleven, but avoid it whenever possible.
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- Real cyberpunks know how to cook.
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- Real cyberpunks drink Guinness Stout.
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- Real cyberpunks who are under 21 distill their own.
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- Real cyberpunks can go to a Supermarket and not get lost.
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That's it for now, but since lamers are always finding mew ways to become
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lame, expect a Real Cyberpunks Vol. II soon.
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Yours truly,
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The Men From Mongo, 9/24/91
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:OSUNY, TCO, PPS, SPS, PHALCO
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_______________________________________________________________________________
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